Help! I married a yandere! What to do?!

So you, the typical guy, are at the happiest day of your life. Just a few moments ago, you exchanged vows with THE girl you’re willing to go at the ends of the earth for, that’s taken you quite the effort to get, not to mention fending off rivals as well as playing according to her tastes. One moment you see her smiling sweetly and you find yourself compelled with her charm to say ‘awwwwwwwww’ [discretely of course]; the next you take notice on what seemes to be a psychotic grin. You abruptly shake your head to reassess the feasibility of what you just witnessed. Your dearly beloved grabs you by the arm to which she asks, “We’ll be together forever, right?” You sense something is wrong, or rather how her seemingly harmless words do not agree with the very ominous atmosphere you’re feeling. You begin to think how every effort you’ve put to get to the girl of your dreams has been a bit too easy. You then come into a bone-chilling conclusion – you didn’t marry her…she married you. Suddenly, the openings to Higurashi play on maximum volume from the depths of your mind. Congratulations, you married a yandere.

Unfortunately for you, once a yandere has locked onto you, the chances of dispelling her are little to none. You could consider yanderes as an entrapment where each struggle will only make the victim’s situation worse. Sorry, buddy…if you were looking for a way out, you’ll only disappoint yourself. Fret not. Contrary to popular belief, being married to one isn’t necessarily a bad thing. All it takes really is a change to your state of thought. Interested to know on how you might alleviate your situation? Read on.

First, understand that a yandere’s power source is its obsession, which as of the moment, is you. Needless to say, the most immediate thing you can do that’s within you and your dearly beloved’s  best interests is to submit. Err, let’s rephrase that to avoiding resistance. Think about it… with the absence of obstructions between the two of you, she does not have to escalate to higher echelons of violence (or other outrageous behaviors), obstructions in the form of  other people you interact with won’t have get hurt (or worse, severely injured), and you….well..you’ll be in the best possible state . It’s a win-win-compromise situation.

Now now..let’s be a bit realistic. Taking into consideration that nothing in this world will work seamlessly, you can’t always guarantee obstructions to steer clear out of your wife’s way. There WILL be times where something or someone will somehow eventually and inevitably become an impediment. At these times, you can only hope that you’ve done some earlier precautions. One can never be too prepared, right?

So what exactly might these ‘precautions’ be? To be honest, they’re nothing troublesome to do really. We all know a yandere at the wrong time and place can be very deadly. That in mind, the best you can do is make her even deadlier. You can avoid that situation by using a little common sense and make all potential weapons inaccessible to her. These include cooking utensils, particularly knives and other sharp objects. When your wife is trying to show her affection by offering to cook you a meal, quickly and impulsively refuse by counteroffering to cook for her instead. While you’re at it, lock away all chemical products, especially the ones that have high tendencies to explode. In fact, you might as well do all the chores yourself. I know, I’m very aware how arduous everything would be. But come on now…who said marriage was a walk in a park? Also, would you rather be knocked out from all your chores…or knocked out for good by your wife when she’s throwing a fit? I hope the answer is as obvious to you as it is for me.

If however you’re caught unprepared, as it might happen to those who lack foresight or to those who are just simply unlucky, there’s really nothing much you can do other than hang for your dear life…and even then there’s a proper way to do so. If you happen to find yourself in such a misfortune, kindly lead your berserking wife to a secluded section in your house. This way, if you turn out to be a lifeless corpse, which in turn might induce your wife to a psychotic outburst (one with unimaginable violence and tremendous destructive power), fatalities would be contained within the premise of your property.

So there you go. Try not to look at it in a bad way. If there’s any benefit at all, you’ll be able to proudly say you have fully discerned the true meaning of the line, ” ’til death do us part.”

Tagged as: ROFL, Totally Nonsensical, yandere